Shove a Curling Iron Up Her Butt!

There goes old John Kerry again trying to tell the people how to run their democracy. Don't throw any elbows in the voting booth... Don't physically assault the homosexuals and the negroes... Don't threaten to murder old ladies if they don't vote right. You would think Senator Kerry served his tour of duty in the women's locker room at Yale instead of on a Swift Boat in the Mekong Delta. I for one am enthralled by the notion that Americans can still summon their sense of competition and unfair play and am absolutely delighted with the fruits of our labor. The new Senator-elect really outdid himself as he metaphorically jammed his Big (Scott) Brown Cock down the throat of Coakley. It may not be the same as shoving "a curling iron up her [presumably Coakley's] butt" as a fellow supporter recommended yesterday, but a cock in the mouth certainly goes a lot further if what you're trying to do is get a smart-talking, socialist woman to shut her trap and get back in the kitchen where she belongs. God bless America.

What the Fuck Has the Environment Ever Done For Us?

The Tree Huggers and the Bull Dykes would have us believe that global warming, shrinking polar bear balls, and heterosexual fornication will contribute to the end of the world as we know it. I for one would rather take the more economically honest position and simply state this: everytime we pollute, destroy, or burn something my stock portfolio goes up a few points- maybe even a lot of points if I'm privy to some inside information ahead of time. Sure, I understand that a few points on a screen doesn't mean shit to someone who eats raw vegetables and practices yoga so that he can lick his own asshole, but we're talking about millions of dollars that I can use to impress my friends here. Does anyone out there realize how many cases of overpriced, impressive-sounding bottles of wine I can buy with millions of dollars worth of environmental waste contracts? Not many necessarily, but when I take a street hooker to my hotel and dazzle her with a $1,200 Chateau Mouton Rothschild Paulliac, she certainly does become more animated as she gargles my cleanly shaven ball sac. In the meantime, what the fuck does the environment offer in terms of profitability or financial misconduct? Sure, we might pick up a million here or a million there, but it's never going to amount to anything compared to the amount of money we can make if we ignore the environmentalists and the faggots. Find me someone who tells me they can make money on something environmentally friendly and I'll show you someone who's too fuckin' old to know better.

What the Fuck Have the Poor Ever Done For Us?

Why can't we teach poor kids how to read? Why can't toilet paper and detergent be purchased with an EBT card so that Gerius can wipe his ass and wash his jeans? Why do 14 Mexicans have to share a studio apartment? Blah, blah, blah... all I ever hear from the liberal establishment is whining and bitching about what the poor don't have, but what the fuck have the poor ever done for us? Taxing me to provide food stamps and social services for poor people is tantamount to the government inviting a black man into my home to eat my dinner and fuck my wife. Why don't they just give him the keys to my Mercedes and throw my kid out of boarding school to make room for some cholo gangbanger? To top it off, the government wants to take away my guns so that Sambo and his gang of Crips can pound me in the ass at will like we're in federal prison on Martin Luther King Day. And don't for one second give credence to the notion that Mexicans are just hard-working, silly, calm, short and drunken mariachis. You turn your back on these guys for 2 seconds and they'll steal your baby and use him as a piñata at their next cinco de mayo party. I've seen it a thousand times. These people are getting out of control, which is why our multi-million dollar gated community has decided to add an additional gate to protect the gate. That's just good economics.

Top 10 Ways To Keep Your Job in a Recession

1) Make it a point to show up to the office before noon if you're scheduled to come in at 9 a.m.

2) Don't call your boss a fag in front of the chick he's trying to bang.

3) Give your boss a blow-gee (pronounced blow-g) if you have large tits or he's a homosexual.

4) Don't pull your weiner out at the company picnic unless you absolutely have to.

5) Don't make Asian, fat, Jewish, or Polak jokes if your boss is a fat, Asian, Jewish Polak.

6) Don't leave a steaming pile of shit on your boss's desk after hours if you know there are cameras in the building.

7) Do some magic tricks in the office throughout the day. Your boss won't want to fire you if he thinks you're a sorcerer.

8) If your boss is a lady, be consistent about complementing her on her perky breasts and rock hard ass.

9) If someone confronts you for stealing something, blame it on "those faggots in accounting" with all their accounting tricks.

10) If you must scratch your testicles in the office, do it over the pants.

American Banks, American Ingenuity

If given the choice between fat profits and bonuses or little pipi paychecks and a used sedan, obese and undereducated Americans have overwhelmingly chosen the former. Not for themselves or for their barely middle class neighbors, but for the people at the top of the economic ladder who just wouldn't feel right letting people at their Country Club think that they didn't earn a $3 million bonus this year. After all, where would America be today if rich bankers couldn't summon the "cojones" to make shitty loans to Joe Taxpayer, repackage these loans and sell them to Joe's $500,000 a year pension and mutual fund managers, and finally, borrow the money back from Joe's Social Security and Medicare Trust Fund to shore up some cash to foreclose on Joe's house?

Subprime lending and outsized risk-taking isn't a reflection of eroding American values, it's just our little way of letting the world know that we don't give a fuck. The way the game works is simple: American banks borrows money from depositors, taxpayers, and a privately owned Federal Reserve Bank with no intention of ever paying it back, and occasionally, when the banks get a bill asking for the balance, they use the bill to prove that they need another larger loan just to keep making interest payments; otherwise, dad will lose his job, mom won't have the money to get her tits done and divorce dad, Jr. won't be able to bang a co-ed while attending college, and Susie will have to prostitute herself to earn enough money to buy a new Coach purse. It's like binge-eating at Smith and Wollensky's after ordering 7 bottles of their most expensive wine, and then announcing to the waiter that you don't have any money to pay the check, but wouldn't mind a slice of key lime pie before dipping your balls in his mouth and retiring for the evening. What could be more American that?

Why Budget Deficits and the National Debt Don't Matter

There's been a lot of talk lately about irresponsibility on the part of Americans as well as the heavily indebted U.S. government. I'm here to tell you how we can fix this mess with no headaches and absolutely no discomfort on our part- we'll just casually slip it into the unsuspecting, tea-sipping asses of the Asian populace. In other words, fuck the Orientals out of their money. There, I said it. I know it's probably not the most politically correct suggestion, but who won the war you yellow motherfuckers? Not only that, but who would win the war today if we had to do it again? Please...

If I were the President I'd instruct the Treasury and Federal Reserve to print $3 trillion worth of bills with my big hairy ass where the President's face goes, and then I'd drop the bills from helicopters and airplanes all over the 38th parallel. I can just imagine the calls from Japan's Prime Minister and China's Communist Party dictator:

- "Yes?"

- "Ching-chong chow!!!"

- "Look Mr. Miyagi, we paid you back and America doesn't need anymore of your chicken teriyaki or Thai doughnuts, so unless you have something relevant to add to this discussion, our conversation is over. Cobra Kai bitches!"

Problem solved.

10 Tips That Will Help You Avoid Foreclosure

1) Pay the mortgage on time
2) Say you’re sorry when you don’t pay the mortgage on time
3) Find a job
4) Call your lender and threaten to staple your balls to a ceiling fan if they come take your house.
5) Kill yourself
6) Put your house on a moving truck and take it somewhere where they’ll never find it.
7) Don’t answer the door when they come to kick you out of your house
8) Pretend like you’re sleeping when they come to kick you out of your house
9) Put the house in your girlfriend’s name and let her get foreclosed on
10) Find a magician or a wizard that will make your house disappear