10 Tips That Will Help You Avoid Foreclosure

1) Pay the mortgage on time
2) Say you’re sorry when you don’t pay the mortgage on time
3) Find a job
4) Call your lender and threaten to staple your balls to a ceiling fan if they come take your house.
5) Kill yourself
6) Put your house on a moving truck and take it somewhere where they’ll never find it.
7) Don’t answer the door when they come to kick you out of your house
8) Pretend like you’re sleeping when they come to kick you out of your house
9) Put the house in your girlfriend’s name and let her get foreclosed on
10) Find a magician or a wizard that will make your house disappear

On the American Foreclosure Epidemic

If my mortgage company ever tried to foreclosure on my apartment, I would make it a point to drop one in the center of my living room before vacating the premises to make sure that they got the message loud and clear: “This is a free country and I can take a shit anywhere I like, especially in my own house. That’s right, my house you smug pricks.” But I still don’t think that this would be a bold enough statement in the face of such hostility and animosity, in which case I might have to buy myself a horse and let it live in the house to leave big steaming piles of horseshit behind. This would serve two purposes: 1) The authorities wouldn’t be able to identify me as the assailant who left a pile of shit in the living room because my shit would be covered in horseshit… literally, and 2) the mortgage company wouldn’t be able to get a penny out of me in court because I would have spent my last $10,000 on a horse. Genius. The horse’s name would be “Ernie” and I would tie a little cowbell to his neck and feed him Papa John's. Of course, the joke would really be on the mortgage company if I let Ernie die and they had to find a way to get a 2,000-pound animal out of a 600 square-foot studio. Then again, I guess the joke would actually be on me since my apartment is paid off.